The Ninja Turtle Theory: An Explanation of Love, Friendships, and Crime Fighting Reptiles that Eat Pizza

The Ninja Turtle Theory: An Explanation of Love, Friendships, and Crime Fighting Reptiles that Eat Pizza

Mitchell Velikan

The idea of astrology has never been one that I’ve fully understood. The stars align with your time and date of birth to create your personality and that shapes your entire life? It always sounded like a load of bunk to me. The signs mean nothing in my opinion and seem to only create superstition among susceptible teenage girls. There is far too much overlap between the signs, and following one’s given horoscope seems to throw away one’s individuality as much as joining a cult would. The whole situation just feels unnatural and completely built upon superstition. This is why when I started making my own friends and choosing who I went around with–I needed a new form of astrology. One that would help me figure out who a person was and what their personality was like, without celestial mumbo jumbo. This is when I landed upon what I call The Ninja Turtle Theory.

Obviously, this theory revolves around the popular 1980’s comic and cartoon characters, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Released in 1984, the group of Michelangelo, Leonardo, Donatello, and Raphael shares a saga of four teenage mutants that fight crime. The key to the theory is the distinct qualities of the four turtles. Almost everyone under the age of 30 has consumed some sort of TMNT-related media and has a favorite turtle. This leads to the apex of my conclusion. One’s favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle can tell more information more accurately about their personality than any astrology sign.

   Leonardo: People whose favorite turtle is Leonardo tend to work best in groups. They most often believe that they are the center of the group. Viewed as the leader by some, they are very good at taking charge and inspiring others to work hard. They tend to be intelligent and think things through before going in head first. They are very responsible and do everything by the book. Confidence and courage are strong in Leonardos. Leonardos’ downfall is their ego. Most often, they are pretentious and view others as their subordinates. Leonardos always think they are right, most times to a fault. This does not stop them from trying to dominate conversations and control the situations. In relation to others, Leonardos work well with Donatellos and sometimes Michelangelos. With both, however, Leonardos will tend to control the relationship and treat the partner as subordinate. This shows especially true with Michelangelos, as they are easily subjected to being inferior. Leonardos work best with other Leonardos. Their bond is very strong, as they do not view one another as of lesser importance.

Raphael: People whose favorite turtle is Raphael almost always work best alone. They tend to think with their anger instead of with their brain. They are very strong-willed and go into things head first. Raphaels are mostly hotheaded and get frustrated easily. They view physical dominance as more important than mental control. Raphaels stifle their emotions and turn sadness into anger. Raphaels work best with other Raphaels. They also tend to have strong connections with Michelangelos, as they enjoy their positive personalities. They do not work well with Donatellos as they get frustrated with their overthinking. This combo can lead to a toxic dominance from the Raphael and a belittlement toward the Donatello. The worst combo of turtles, however, is a Raphael and Leonardo. They are clashing personalities that will fight for dominance. Neither person will lead, and the anarchical tendencies of the Raphael will collide with the Leonardo’s by-the-book mentality.

Donatello: Donatellos are very kind people. They tend to be workaholics with a very strong determination. They are always trying to solve problems with grand solutions. Donatellos view brain over brawn, which is shown very clearly in their solutions to issues. They tend to overthink things, which at most times comes to a fault. Most often, Donatellos are clumsy but extremely intelligent. They work well with others but only when they have control or freedom to do what they want. Donatellos don’t do well with change but are very good at organizing plans. Donatellos are often very love-sick individuals who seek companionship because they do not always receive the appreciation that they deserve. Michelangelos work well with Donatellos because their playfulness and creativity mesh well together. Leonardos can work well with Donatellos as long as the Leonardo does not act like the boss of the Donatello. Raphaels do not work with Donatellos at all. The Donatellos overthinking causes frustration in Raphaels. Their clashing personalities cause rifts between the two. Any relationship (other than platonic) between these two is an anomaly. The strongest relationship a Donatello can have is between another Donatello. They will feed off of one another’s creativity and mold a strong bond that cannot be rifted. Typically, Donatellos appreciate the interests of their counterparts.

Michelangelo: Michelangelos appreciate the good parts of life. They are the most optimistic of the bunch and tend to go into things head first, without really approaching the consequences. Michelangelos are undoubtedly the kindest of all of the turtle types. They see only the good in people and can comfort almost anyone. Any situation can be fun with a Michelangelo. Their downfalls are the same as their better attributes. Michelangelos, while silly and fun, can be so in the wrong situations. Their inability to gauge the severity and seriousness of situations can get them in trouble sometimes and cause people to lose respect for them. Michelangelos are the most versatile in relationships. They work well with anyone due to their compassionate personality and empathetic tendencies.

There is only one exception to the model I have proposed. This is the O’Neil outlier. Based on April O’Neil, this is a placeholder for a person that does not have a verifiable personality type. These are people that do not share any main aspects with any of the turtles or do not know their favorite. These are the blank slate personalities, for lack of a better term. They are the cookie cutter molds that follow trends and just want to be a part of the group. These people work well with all turtle types but often get boring for their partner, as they tend to have little aspects to differentiate from any other person.

I strongly encourage the reader to exercise this theory in their own life, see if it holds up. Think of a person, their personality, what they like, and then guess what their favorite Ninja Turtle is. With my experience in doing this, it works nine times out of ten. It’s time to break the age-old model of star signs and astrological mumbo jumbo, and it is time to usher in the new test of someone’s personality: their favorite Ninja Turtle.